 Best Bar Room Jokes is our editors picks of famour jokes heard around local bars, pubs, disco clubs, dives and other popular drinking establishments the world over compiled one this one page for your convenience.
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Your Ultimate Listings of Sleezy Bar Room Jokes! Every adult bar room joke ever told is right here!
Q: What did one alligator say to the other?
A: Airplane food sucks!
Q: Last words of a frontier man to his son right before they are stampeded by Buffalo.
A: "Bison"
Q: What is the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scottish Man?
A: The Rolling Stones Said ,"Hey you get off of my cloud". And the Scottish man said "Hey McCloud get off of my ewe".
Q: What is the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?
A: Snowballs!
Q. What is long and green and smells like pig?
A. Kermits finger.
Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The location of the dirt bag.
Q: What's a wicker box?
A: Thats what Elmer Fudd wanted to do to Madona.
Q :Why did Liberachi play the piano?
A: Because he sucked on the organ.
Q: Why did Lisa Marie want a divorce from Michael Jackson?
A: He was spending too much time with the boys.
Q: Why do all Texans have 2" balls?
A: So they can tow each others trailers.
Q: Why does a pilgram's pants always fall down?
A: Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.
Q: Why do eskimos was their clothes in tide?
A: 'cause it's to cold out tide.
Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, a dyslexic, and an agnostic?
A: Some one who sets up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
Q: What is the difference between a pig and a fox?
A: About a 12 pack.
Q: What is the difference between a Hobo and a Homo?
A: A Hobo is lonely, and a Homo has friends up the ass.
Q:What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A: A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!
Q: What is grey and comes in quarts?
A: An elephant.
Q: What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenberg?
A: One is a over inflated nazi gas bag and the other is a dirigible.
Q: Why does it take three Women with PMS to change just one lightbulb?
A: IT JUST DOES!! OK?!?!?
Q: How do you keep sexual deviants from committing homosexual acts?
A: Put them all in straight jackets.
Q: WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A JACK-ASS AND AN ONION?
A: SOME ASS THAT WILL BRING TEARS TO YOUR EYES.
Q: What does a 500 pound parrot say?
A: Polly wants a craker - NOW!
Q: What's the state bird of Kentucky?
A: The housefly
Q: What did they say to the woman who won the beauty pageant in Kentucky?
A: "Smile and show your tooth"
Q: What do you have when there are 2 rows of 16 Kentuckians?
A: A full set of teeth
Q: Why did the sheep jump off the cliff?
A: He didn't see the 'ewe' turn.
Q: Who was the worst golfplayer of all time?
A: Adolf Hitler, he never got out of the bunker.
Q: Where does a one armed man shop?
A: At a second hand store!
Q: Why did God make only one Yogi Bear?
Q: Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
Q: What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?
A: "Thanks, I'll never part with it!"
Q: Why do golfers always bring two pairs of pants?
A: In case they get a 'hole in one'.
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.
Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck.
Q: How many of Kelly's customers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the lightbulb, and one to drink 'til the room spins.
Q How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.
Q: How many months have 28 days in them?
A: 12 they all have at least 28 days.
Q: Why did the blond climb the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: What did the banana tree say to the coconut tree when he heard a hurricane was coming.
A: You better hang on to your nuts because your about to get a hell of a blow job!
Q: Hear about the Polish milk carton? It has a childproof lid.
Q: Where is Saddam Hussein going to end up?
A: On scud row!
Q: What two things in the air can make a woman pregnant?
A: Her legs.
Q: How do you know when a blonde's been at the computer?
A: There's rat poison on the mousepad.
Q: Why did the man, trying to kill himself, tie a rope around his waist?
A: Because it got too tight around his neck.
Q: How far can a person walk into a forest?
A: Only halfway, because after that he would then be walking out of the forest.
Q: If a tree falls in the forest with noone to hear it then who will notify the next of kindling?
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No eye-deer.
Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef!
Q: What is long and green and smells like pig?
A: Kermits finger.
Q: What do dentures and the moon have in common?
A: They both come out at night.
Q: What is the first question OJ asked the prosecutors after he had heard the verdict?
A: Can I have my gloves back now?
Q: What do elephants use as tampons
A: Sheep!
Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a computer?
A: A computer can take a 3 1/2 floppy.
Q: How do you escape from the inside of an elephant?
A: Run around until you get pooped out!
Q: How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the sockets go with the house.
Q: How does a mail chauvinist change a light bulb?
A: "Let the bitch cook in the dark."
Q: Why doesn't mexico have an olympic team?
A: Because all the ones that can run, jump,or swim have already left the country.
Q: What does the hot dog say when he crosses the finish line?
A: "I'm the WEINER!!"
Q: What is the difference between a pigeon and a goat?
A: One mucks up fountains.
Q: What do you call a man with a seagul on his head?
A: Cliff
Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head?
A: Jack
Q: What does OJ stand for?
A: Orange Jumpsuit.
Q: Why did they get rid of OJ costumes?
A: Cuz the gloves dont fit.
Q: If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the bathroom and you are an
AMERICAN when you come out of the bathroom....What are you WHILE you are
in the bathroom?
A: EUROPEAN
Q: How many seconds are there in a year?
A: 12 .... (Jan 2, Feb 2, Mar 2 .... etc.)
Q: What did George Washington say to his men before they got into the
boat to cross the Potomac River?
A: Men .... get in the boat.
Q: What do are those little bumps around a woman's nipple?
A: Braille
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it!
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Tame way, unique up on it!
Q: What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A: A stick.
Q: Why won't a shark eat a lawyer?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: How is a lawyer different from hooker?
A: There are just some things a hooker won't do.
Q:What gets wetter and wetter as it drys?
A: A towel.
Q: What do you get when you cross Lee Iacocca with Count Dracula?
A: autoexec.bat
Q: why is a woman like a parking space?
A: because all the good ones are taken, the only free ones are handicapped, and once you get one you have to keep feeding money into it.
Q: Why did the woman cross the Road?
A: Who cares why wasn't she in the kitchen.
Q: One day an Indian chief drank 12 gallons of tea. The next day they found him drowned in his teapee.
Q: What does an Englishwoman say to her husband when she wakes up after a night of lovemaking?
A: "Get off!"
Q: How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike?
A: They both have ornamental balls.
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Q: What's the best way to eat a frog?
A: Hook one leg over each ear.
Q: How many seconds are there in a day?
A: That depends. How good were you the first time?
Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute?
A: Keep the tip.
Q: What animal should you never play cards with?
A: Cheetah!
Q: What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A: The genealogist looks up the family tree... And the gynecologist looks up the family bush.
Q: What do you get when you cross a yeast infection and an achy breaky heart?
A: An itchy twichy crotch.
Q:Why are there locks on bathroom doors in the Soviet union?
A: So people don't Russian when European.
Q: What did the math mermaid wear?
A: An algebra.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?
A: Elephino.
Q: What do you get when you cross a potato and a penis?
A: a dictator.
Q: Do you know why they acquitted O.J. when they did?
A: Thanksgiving was just around the corner and he was the only one in the family who knew how to cut up the white meat.
Q: Why does Scots wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear the zipper miles away.
Q: WHAT SHOULD YOU DO IF YOU FIND AN EPILEPTIC IN YOUR SWIMMING POOL?
A: THROW IN A LOAD OF WASH !
Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A VEGATERIAN WITH DIAREEHA?
A: A SALAD SHOOTER !
Q: Why was John Elway being questioned in the O.J Simpson trial?
A: Because they were talking about a Slow, White, Bronco.
Q: What do you call skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet.
Q: What's the difference between humor and odor?
A: Humor is a shift of wit.
Q: Why don't you throw rocks at mexicans riding bikes?
A: It might be your bike!
Q: What happens when I short-legged cow tries to jump a fence?
A: It's an udder disaster.
Q: How can you tell a blind man at a nudist camp?
A: It's not hard.
Q: Why is a fire engine red?
A: Cause if someone pulled your hose out in public you'd be red too.
Q: What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop clop clop?
A: An Amish drive-by shooting"
Q: What would you do if you had 6 months to live?
A: Move in with my mother in law it would seem like an eternity!
Q: If Adam and Eve were standing naked in a crowd of one million other
naked people, how could you recognize them from the others?
A: Easy, they would be the only two without belly buttons.
Q: Why was Mr. Taste, CPA, shunned on the job?
A: Everybody knows, "There's no accounting for taste!"
It takes a sharp tongue to perform oral surgery.
Q:What do women and a trophy fish have in common?
A. You can mount them or eat them.
Q: Why do cowboys make poor lovers?
A: Because they think eight seconds is a good ride.
Q: How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope!
Q: Whats the most exercize men get at the beach?
A: Sucking in there tummys when they see a bikini.
Q: What did Captin Hook die of?
A: Jock itch.
Q: How many Harvard students does it take to change a tire?
A: 2, one to hold the drinks & one to call dad.
Q: How much dirt can you get out of a 4 Cubic foot hole?
A: NONE , It's a hole .
Q: What does NASA stand for?
A: Need Another Seven Astronauts
Q: How many perverts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but it takes 8 emergency room staff to remove it!
Q: What is 1 mile long and has an asshole in the middle?
A: A radar trap!
Q:Why did the cookie visit the doctor?
A: He felt Crummy.
Q: What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A: klondike!
Q: What's the name of the ninth reindeer?
A: Olive as in all of the other reindeer.
Q: If your dog's barking at the back door, and your wife's barking at the front. Who do you let in?
A: Tthe dog will stop barking when you let him in.
Q: When do the Vietnamese consider their dog spoiled?
A: When it is left out of the refrigerator too long.
Q: Why don't ducks fly upsidedown?
A: They're afraid they'll quackup.
Q: How do you tell a male chromosome from a female chromosome?
A: Pull down its genes.
Q: How can you tell a male shellfish from a female shellfish?
A: Simple. You ask them a question. If HE answers, it's a boy. If SHE answers, it's a girl. Unless, of course, they clam up on you.
Q: Why are seagulls called seagulls?
A: Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!
Q: What do you call two doctors?
A: Pair-a-medics.
Q: Whats the difference between the James Last Orchestra and a reindeer?
A: A reindeer has its horns at the front and its assshole at the back.
Q: Where do cows buy their clothes?
A: From Cattle-logues.
Q: Why don't the Chinese have phone books?
A: Because there are so many Wings and so many Wongs they're afraid they'll wing the wong number.
Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7 ate 9.
Q: If a plane crashes on the border of Canada and Usa where do you bury the survivers?
A: You dont bury survivers!
Q: Where do sadists and masochists go for fun?
A: The Abusement Park
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