Jokes about Dating on the Internet - relationship humor

The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads:

THE OF REALITY PERSONAL ADS FROM WOMEN

• 40-ish.................. 48 and a half
• Athletic................ Flat-chested as in like, plywood
• Average looking......... Ugly as sin
• Beautiful............... Pathological liar
• Adventurer.............. Had more partners than you ever will
• Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin
• Educated................ College dropout
• Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
• Feminist................ Fat; ball buster
• Free spirit............. Substance user
• Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut
• Fun..................... Annoying
• Gentle.................. Comatose
• Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
• New-Age................. All body hair, all the time
• Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only
• Open-minded............. Desperate
• Outgoing................ Loud
• Passionate.............. Louder
• Poet.................... Depressive Schzophrenic
• Professional............ Real Witch
• Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section
• Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat
• Romantic................ Looks better by candle light
• Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
• Weight proportional to height..................Disportionally Obese
• Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking
• Widow................... Nagged first husband to death
• Young at heart.......... Toothless crone

THE REALITY OF MENS PERSONAL ADS

• 40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
• Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
• Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
• Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot
• Free Spirit............. Will Sleep with your sister
• Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity
• Fun..................... Good with a TV remote and a six pack
• Good looking............ Arrogant and Cocky
• Honest.................. Pathological Liar
• Rugged.................. Takes a shower every Saturday
• Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear
• Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
• Mature.................. Until you get to know him
• Porsche Driver.......... Small Penis
• Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
• Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
• Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall
• Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
• Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested
• Photographer.............. Will you pose naked for me?
• Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer

Well there you have it, truth in advertising!

Actual Titles of 'Country' Songs . . . yee-haw y'all

1. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
2. How Can I Miss You, If You Won't Go Away?
3. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven, And Your Buns In Bed
4. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth, 'Cause I'm Kissing You Good-bye
5. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself, Or Go Bowling
6. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
7. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
8 . I Just Bought a Car From a Guy That Stole My Girl, but The Car Don't
Run; so I figure we Got An Even Deal
9. I Keep Forgetten' I Forgot About You
10. I Liked You Better, Before I Knew You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
12. I Wouldn't Take Her To a Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
13. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
14. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
15. Please Bypass this Heart?
16. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
17. Mama Get a Hammer (There's a Fly On Papa's Head)
18. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
19. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him

USA State Mottos - at least our version :)

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity !

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It-Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney....

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Literally!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... and the sheep are scared

Here are some of our favorite relationship humor articles

Defining "FREE" Adult Personal Ads - I'm a firm believer in online personal ads, and found my true love via Internet dating sites, but remember the confusion and frustration of clicking on sites claiming Totally Free Personal Ads only to find out that wasn't the case. For the most part, the majority of sites claim Free Memberships when marketing which can also be misconstrued as meaning that all site features are free. To make it clear, let's define the industry standards of the word "Free" being used.

• Free Adult Personal Ads - Typically means that it's free to join, place personal profiles, and free to search the ads. However, different sites require various paid upgrades to use advanced site features such as chatrooms and sending messages.
  
  
• Free Adult Dating Site Trial - Usually means that singles can join the site with no restrictions using all site functions for a predetermined amount of time. Your profile can remain in the database, but your downgraded to basic memberships after the trial.
  
  
• Totally Free Adult Personal Ads - "Should" mean that all site features are available to all singles with no restrictions, no registration, (to grab that email), and no limits on sending messages. All of the above listed free personals sites meet this definition.